When It Has Past

I have been reinstated. 

When the elders said they would sit down and speak with me, I didn't think it would happen. I was sure they would say I needed more time. I prayed to Jehovah over and over again to help me endure and keep my eye on the goal if He thought I needed more time. I was so worried that they would say: "We think you need more time."

Before I even went to the meeting, I asked Jehovah, that if there was anything I needed to work on, that would prevent me from being reinstated, to make it clear to me what it was so I might work on it. Nothing was made clear to me. Not in a big way, just some little things I need to work on, the way anyone does.

When they told me that I was clearly repentant and sorry for hurting Jehovah, that they were going to reinstate me and it would be announced on Thursday, (this coming Thursday) I didn't know how to react. I think I smiled and tried not to cry some more. Damn my girl eyeballs!

I still don't know how to react. I keep going back and forth between trying to go about my day and almost crying again. I feel anxious and limp from having a load removed from my heart. The elders told me to lie low until the announcement, that I would remain on restricted privileges for now, (no commenting or being on the school) but I was welcome out in the field service as soon as this coming Friday. I'll have to prepare a presentation and acquire a KM, been a while since I've had one of those.

I'm not going to tell anyone that I am reinstated until they announce it and is official. I worry about how some people will react to the news. I imagine it will separate those who truly love me from the ones who have some kind of hang up, if any react that way at all. I imagine ridiculous scenarios that will never come to pass, like I do about most things. Need to write more or something, my brain is starting to clutter with the nonsensical and dramatic. 

While meeting with the elders, I told them about the one time I wrecked a car when I was a teenager and how I haven't even had a fender bender since, that this disfellowshipping is my one car wreck in my life, (that I caused, anyhow) and that it was never going to happen again. 

I'm going to hold true to that.